Good evening all,
Its a finally a cold Dec night here but that won't last long as we rarely follow the seasons here where I live. The joys of Texas weather!
As stated in my previous post/intro I am a mother of five amazing over the top kiddos who literally are my world! I have lived every bit of my life for them since the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. It wasn’t an easy road by any means. We moved around more than I can count and even ended up living in Vegas for a few years (not as fun when you’re not 21.) Being a young mom was full of bad decisions, empty bank accounts, and bad credit. I made decisions with my heart way to many times and wasn’t always the best role model for my kids.
After all the chaos and horrible life choices made from the ages of 17 to 24 I ended up with custody of all 5 kids, separated from their dad and left only having my unstable parents to lean on. I say this but let me be perfectly clear before moving forward. I love my parents they are, my parents, and I’m sure did a lot to make some kind of life for me and my siblings and for that I am very thankful. But where we will not ever see eye to eye, especially after becoming a parent myself, is trauma. Especially family trauma. I won’t ever agree that family is family no matter what they bring or cause. Just because someone is a parent or sibling or aunt etc doesn’t give them never ending privileges to bring trauma into your life as well as your child’s. Once you have a family to be responsible for and to guide and raise into this world, what they go thru growing up is now in your hands. You can blame others for your own personal trauma but if you bring it into your child or children’s lives you are now to blame. Well I went on a little bit of a rant there, sorry.
Let's get back to it.
After leaving my ex of 8 years and ready to take on the world as a single mom I was scared and anxious. I was constantly tired never put together fully, and overwhelmed with financial issues, government paperwork and babysitter ads. Being a single mom is so dang hard (shout out to you hard working mamas) your work doesn't go unnoticed ! I felt defeated at every corner and just when I thought life was getting good I would have a sick child or two, short paychecks, being laid off and past due notices. It seemed like the world was constantly caving in around me.
I dated 2 guys right after my ex one I dated for a year and even got briefly engaged. The second was a guy I met online who I fell so "hard" for. He said and did all the right things and convinced me that moving back to where he was from was better for us as a couple and a family. So after only dating for 7 months I packed up me and my children and agreed to move over 2 hours away from everyone I knew to start a life with him. It started off fine, just like any relationship does. Slowly I began to see red flags but did what any other woman does when they think they have found the one and I made excuses for each red flag. I wasted 3 years of not only my time but my kids time with this horrible man. He was every form of abusive and convinced me that I wouldn’t find anyone better or who would want to take on me and 5 kids. He broke me in ways no other man or human being for that matter had ever before.
Now let's everyone take a breather here. I swear it gets better but when you have gone thru trauma and grow you gotta relive those moments for what they are, a lesson and a deep one at that. No story that involves trauma is music to the ears, it hurts and brings on a deep sadness from those who have never experienced such horrible things. But it's all apart of growth if you allow yourself to make changes because of what you have gone thru the end results will be amazing!
I didn’t have the best 3 years with said A hole, who I won’t name for now. It started off with him working, part time, and sounded determined to go places. He talked every bit of sweet to me and played the step daddy role so well. He was supportive and encouraging. My first sign of trouble came after a work holiday party and he got way to upset over me being out late. I over looked the obvious physical and emotional abuse as care and genuinely worried about my safety. He somehow convinced me that it was his way of protecting me. Slowly but surely what was once over looked could no longer be pushed under the rug. It became obvious to friends and family and the concern comments came rolling in. I felt attacked and went on defense mode and shut down. Everything about my childhood taught me to defend the man I chose to start a life with no matter the circumstances. Although on the outside I was angry and defensive on the inside my mental health was taking a turn for the worst. I was angry yes, but with myself. I knew what was happening around me was wrong and yet here I was turning down family and friends who were reaching out to pull me from the fire. I took on years of abuse knowing deep down I absolutely deserved better. At a certain point I remember sitting in my car one morning and it’s like something snapped in my brain, cliche I know, but it did. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. I picked up the phone called my sister and said the words that literally changed my entire life from that point forward. “I’m not happy!” I decided in that moment no matter what it took I was leaving him and every bit of what we had behind and never looking back.
It took a whole thirty mins to remove evil from my life and start over. Thirty mins! I packed every bit of him and his addiction and sent him on his way. I couldn’t even begin to put into words the way I felt in that moment of pure calmness. I never thought I could ever feel what letting go truly felt like until that very moment. And believe me when I say this, letting go is a whole fucking feeling!
Now that we got to dig a little deeper into my personal trauma I will say there is a point to all of this sharing. I want to help by sharing my story with others. If there was anything that has always saved me through both my childhood trauma and adulthood trauma it was writing. I wrote poetry and filled up journals with my thoughts and stories I created in my head. After sharing some of my work with friends and family and seeing it have even the slightest impact it genuinely made me happy. I felt anxious putting such personal stuff out into the world but also felt like it could help others who have been thru or are currently going thru what I have dealt with. As I continue my journey into writing I encourage feedback and questions on the topics I discuss.